So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
