you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
