When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
