Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
