Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
