I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
