last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
