i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
