I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
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Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
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my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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