someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
