Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
