i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
