There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
did i just pee glitter
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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