we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
