Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
