All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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