I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
as a side note pls kill me
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
