Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
