I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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