fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize