im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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