the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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