Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
