took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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