i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
