The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
