I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
