im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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