BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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