I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
