get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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