ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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