I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
