I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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