He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
