one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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