When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
