I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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