they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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