my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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