I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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