Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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