How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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