um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
