Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
