last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize