so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
