You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
