Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
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