You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
