just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
