dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
worst night to have a conscience
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
