If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
