I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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