theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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