Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
