hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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